life after my dad

denouement

chaote9 — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 10:06:01 +0000

just wanted to say thanks.
so.. thanks. it helped to know that the pain was not only mine. that others knew. this started as just me venting, screaming into the void… but it helped.
thanks for the posts and email.
remember that though part of us died, this new person will carry on.

persevere.

Uploaded – 6\30\10-4

chaote9 — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 12:59:51 +0000

chaote9 — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 04:07:34 +0000

even after all this time, everything ive experienced… i still keep thinking… my dad would know… everything… in every situation or problem, he’d have the solution.. and act decisively… and all would be happy… a trick i can never pull off.

chaote9 — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:54:10 +0000

while no longer one for introspection, my previous stores of self awareness still remain. i have no goals, got no use for them. my social skills have improved because i don’t care how others view me. my inner monologue is still silent. i have few needs and none of them require much. just a couple of beers and some cigarettes. no pride, no pity. no love, no fear. can’t see the point in exerting the effort . even rage is becoming rare. going through the motions….

chaote9 — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:20:29 +0000

undas 2009

chaote9 — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 12:56:57 +0000

wish i coulda stayed longer…

gonna be workin a fishpen

chaote9 — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:25:26 +0000

before midnight

chaote9 — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 14:44:14 +0000

thought id be cavalier about it… but i find myself feeling… something. its like… anxiety or… i dont know. maybe being in the midst of a wake is bringing up some emotions that were shut off.

days

chaote9 — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 10:01:43 +0000

my brother’s wife had to have the baby prematurely. the umbilical got wrapped around the neck. its a girl, two pounds and eight ounces. theyre keeping her in an incubation chamber.
that was yesterday.
today my aunt(dad’s sister) was rushed to the e.r. with a weak pulse and had to be revived.
she died coupla hours later.

dad

chaote9 — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 10:57:17 +0000

chaote9 — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 20:44:18 +0000

i want to cry…. but i can’t.

maybe, because of a promise made…

maybe, because it’s not inside of me anymore….

sometimes it’s not ABOUT you, except when it is.

the prospect of violence never used to invigorate me…

chaote9 — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 22:25:29 +0000

somebody tried to break into the house. opened my bedroom window by climbing on top of the car and using the unlocked fire escape. (my dad always made me take off the lock, he was afraid of house fires). i saw the shadow of a hand move across the curtains as he was opening the window…. it was around 4:30 am (i sleep late) so a dashed to the window pulled the curtains and made a grab at him whhile yelling “PUTANG INA MO A!”. i didn’t catch him. he managge to fall away to the ground and run off. the kid was fast. by the time i got outside , i couldnt see him. i gathhered a posse, just in case he was still in the neighborhood, hiding. a coupla guys that woke up when i yelled “MAGNANAKAW! MAGNANAKAW!” AND ME WITH MY BOKKEN. WE WENT UP A STREET WHERE SOME ONE SAID HE SAW SOMEONE IN THE abandoned lot. we stalked him, ready to pounce. except it wasnt him. just some drunk who passed out. i tell ya… we almost kicked his ass anyway. still not sure he wasn’t involved. guy picked a really bad place to nap, had no wallet and ID… but it wasnt him.
damn. really had my adrenaline going…

chaote9 — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 16:27:47 +0000

60 pounds over my ideal weight. gained it in a coupla months….

actions lack motivation

chaote9 — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 21:57:05 +0000

i find myself… lost… again… drifting …
aimlessly. no goals… hell, really let meself go… look like crap.

why?

chaote9 — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 14:11:44 +0000

why does everyone like my”brother”? the one that isnt anymore? because he’s the fun one? is that enough? doesn’t loyalty and honor count anumore?

chaote9 — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 10:32:16 +0000

don’t deserve anything……..

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNES….

chaote9 — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 20:31:12 +0000

DRUNK RIGHT NOW. BDAY STARTED. NOI PARTY. JUST GOING DRUNK 2DAY. RERAD WARREN ELLIS NEXTWAVE. FUNNY FUN STUFF. SILVER AGE BROUGHT INTO OUR CURREENT PARADIGM SHIFT.

TAKEN SOME BLUE PILLS. FUCKERS WON’T WORK…. GONNA GO OFFLINE FOR A WHILE….

I MISS MY DAD.

HATE MY BROTHER….

MOTHJER IS PARALYZED WITH INDECISON ON HOW TO CONTINUE WITH LIFE…

SISTER GOT A JOB AT STARBUCKS…

ME, GOT FIRED/RESIGNED MY CALL CENTER it JOB….

THATS ALL FOR NOW.

P.S.

I HATE WINDOWS VISTA

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chaote9 — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 13:27:55 +0000

gained around 40 pounds in the last 3 months…. thats what happens when you dont give a damn.

things you learn talking to your insurance guy…

chaote9 — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 06:30:50 +0000

huh. a little secret they keep… suicide is covered. as long as it’s two to three years after getting the policy. just an interesting factoid…. no hidden meaning in this post. nosireee, none.

chaote9 — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 18:34:06 +0000

my IT department has been disbanded. the gangs all going their own way. should probably look for another gig. or go on hiatus again. split the difference. start some reviewing on new it protocols and design and work some side jobs….

that’s it…

chaote9 — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 02:49:19 +0000

decided to quit today… not quit this very day, but today is the day i made the decision to quit. not really cut out to work in an office i guess. or maybe im just too far gone for something this… normal, boring, mundane. safe. feeling constrained by the confines of my fishbowl…. as well as not doing the best possible work, how could you when you don’t give a shit….. ahhhh. can’t put it into words.

more later.

chaote9 — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 18:42:37 +0000

chaote9 — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 07:41:55 +0000

right. so.. i’m workin again. a real 9 to fiver (10 to 7, actually) , a network analyst. mostly they use me as a data encoder. its a call center type company, but im no phone jockey. im in the IT department. which is good. gettin just above the minimum wage. i feel very temporary here. i miss drinking. gotta find a way to use my flask in here.

chaote9 — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 04:08:19 +0000

right, then. got mesself employed. well.. i didnt really do anything to bring it about. got an instant message for an old friend.. offer me a job. out of the blue. was on chat with him on friday… i start tomorow.. freakin out alittle. a sys admin security job. don’t know what that means. at least its above minimum wage… i cant hang on til patday. the bitch of it is… the commute. might not be able to cover the costs… what the hell… might as well try it.

excuse the typing,using the phone

chaote9 — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 18:33:33 +0000

there was a big storm. after, i went to visit my granparents. they live outside the the metro. anyways, my grandad ( mom’s side fyi) has the alzheimers. he’s in the early stages. mostly lucid lots of the time. just disjointed memories for now. we didnt get along back in the day, he was a miser. hoarded his fortune. cheap as hell when it came to family but spread it around for the church and strangers. not that it matters to me anymore. my dad was a military man. he raised us to take care of our own. anyway, good that he was kinda lucid, granpa, spoke about how he was a great driver in his youth. coupla years ago, he alqays regalled me with stories of his women, he was a hound dog, also liked to take pics of pretty girls with his mobile. he doesnt use it anymore. i thinl he put it in a drawer or sage somewhere and forget. sad to see him slippin.

——————————
random memory bubbling to the surface:
when i was watching my father die, i called me mum on her cell, she thought i was joking and hung up . was the desperation on my voice not clear???

——————————
non
sequitor

about a week ago, aske my brother ( the one who didnt come) for some money. a loan of 300pesos, thats about 8 us dollars, heh. i coud get that easy, npn only am i well respected by those those that know me as well as worked for me. besides, i ran a politocal campaigm not so long ago…. was a test. whats his is his and for his family. no longer considers himself part of the primary. good to know. really.he’s out, self actualized. justvwanted comfirmation. i was best man at his wedding, wud u adam n eve it…

guiness

chaote9 — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 13:50:57 +0000

iFlickr, originally uploaded by chaote9.

chaote9 — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 15:28:34 +0000

iFlickr, originally uploaded by chaote9.

chaote9 — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 15:02:37 +0000

father’s day… i cant remember what we did the last time, when he was still alive. i just cant remember…

chaote9 — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 16:30:15 +0000

you know what hell is? wet c*c**n*

chaote9 — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 18:24:40 +0000

damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn.damn.

never shoulda gon to dat doc. got me mum watching me every move. can’tr even grab a drink.

i may have been a drunk, but i was a functional drunk. i could work, make money, socialize, go out.

now i’m in a deep pit. with nothing. rotting. on a couch.

shit. i a gonna have to find other meds. these prescription crap ain’t workin no more.

chaote9 — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 04:25:57 +0000

not liking this… no emotions.

on meds

chaote9 — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 05:40:50 +0000

finally went to a head doctor… wasn’t my idea…

put me on lexapro and valium….

seems to be helping….

?

chaote9 — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 15:30:58 +0000

i realized something. i keep looking for father figures. which always lead to disappointment. only had one dad. and he’s dead. no one will look at me thru his eyes. i know this… yet…

chaote9 — Tue, 01 Jan 2008 10:26:33 +0000

almost a year now….

chaote9 — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 05:43:11 +0000

we’re supposed to be over it, i guess…

move on….

doesn’t sound right, does it?

chaote9 — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 17:31:59 +0000

dad’s bday 2day…

chaote9 — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 05:47:58 +0000

my birthday passed without incident. or much notice.

they’re starting to put up x-mas decor.

i don’t know if it’s the season or what…. but i feel hate surging towards my brothers….

went to the LIBINGAN NG MGA BAYANI

chaote9 — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 10:39:40 +0000

in observance of semana santa. it was hot. humid. and the first time instead of going with dad, we went to visit his grave. used to go with him to visit his parent’s grave site. did it every year. until now…

chaote9 — Sat, 04 Aug 2007 06:33:24 +0000

doing it again… downward spiral… not very smart…

chaote9 — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 05:32:23 +0000

thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend….

starting to feel that she’s too young for me….

she just turned 20….

or maybe she’s just not the one i should be with right now…

chaote9 — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 08:18:38 +0000

i just this is the time i should realize i need money.. oh hell no. i might be broke, but i don’t NEED money. it would be convenient… but so what.

got just enough to buy meself a bottle of bailey’s and a carton of cigarettes.

MY NAME IS JOHN….

chaote9 — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 02:47:34 +0000

QUIT MY 9 TO 5. FEELING GOOD ABOUT IT. BEEN HAVING SOME FUN… NEW FRIENDS… GOT A GIRL IN MY LIFE….

THING IS… MY MOM IS REALLY BEING …. DEPENDENT…EMOTIONALLY. SHE REALLY WANTS ALL MY TIME. ALL OF IT. I TOOK CARE OF PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY FOR 6 MONTHS WITH NO THOUGHT FOR MY OWN WELL BEING OR HAPPINESS…. ISN’T IT MY TIME?

chaote9 — Sat, 07 Apr 2007 02:25:03 +0000

it’s not as hard as it was… i guess the perception of the passage of time does help. and maybe because i’m a new person. still don’t care about tomorrow and the days after that. but at least the present is bearable. still catch my mom crying sometimes. i guess thats why i’m sticking around this place for now. but the day is coming… when i cut all ties to the life i had. and aim for something… beyond.

short on entries for at least 45 days.

chaote9 — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 13:28:47 +0000

gonna fight some demons. fihure out who iam. thought i finished changing. some of mah old ature coming back. feel it creeping up my back. waiting in the shadows. not finish becoming yet, i guess. what am i? am i the selfless martyr? the hopeless romantic? the supportive family member? or am i still the black sheep? the devil in disguise? case in point, it used to idealise women. leading to relationshps failing miserably because they didn’t live up to the hype. now i tend to objectify women. and its worked out for me in spades. now i’m in flux again. a horrid example to use, but only one of many confusing me. tired today. too tired. running on fumes. almost said steam.part of th election campaign for my bro (the one still here) for city council. hot. humid. 25 hour days. feet swollen. pain good. but feeling sick. scared of changing back into someone like i was before. i wanna do good for my dad. but i also have trouble sometimes in finding the point of anything. not even drunk while typing this. just FUBAR. again. introspection is a bitch.

hell.

chaote9 — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 09:01:35 +0000

my dad had just retired. he just turned 65. he was gonna spend the rest of his days playing golf and taking it easy. he worked every day of his life since he was 18.

30 days after he retired, just 30 days after his birthday, on the day before new year’s eve, he died. out of the blue. as if a bullet fell senselessly from the sky.

it was just the two of us at home. me and him in the room when it happened. not gonna go thru what happened right now… there was a moment that i was alone in the universe.

what i learned these months after… is that nothing worse can happen. absolutely nothing.

chaote9 — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 08:51:52 +0000

well, shit. i guess i’m still fucked up. the hostage situation happening near the office isn’t really registering. the only impact it has on me, is the traffic jam it’s causing. i lack empathy. and i used to be so sensitive to other people. my nature has changed. become hard. cold. wish i cared. i really do.

chaote9 — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 08:58:09 +0000

life is damage and healing. the continuous process. at the end, all we have to show for it are scars…..

i don’t think i’ll make my current position as a civil servant a permanent gig. not really my cup of tea. now is the time to find a path to happiness. to stop compromising. soon…

tough it out for the people around me, then cut loose. jump off a cliff and flap my arms.

NOTES FROM THE DAYS AND WEEKS AFTER…

chaote9 — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 10:29:24 +0000

left behind.

chaote9 — Thu, 01 Mar 2007 12:41:51 +0000

my mom’s gonna go visit my brother in Australia later this month. the brother that didn’t come to his dad’s burial. he did it for all the right, logical reasons (he just immigrated weeks before, he brought his wife and kid with him, money was tight). the brother i always thought of as my best friend. dunno why i hate him so, right now. i guess knowing he didn’t come to dad’s, meant he wouldn’t come to mine.

chaote9 — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 10:56:37 +0000

i’m starting to hate. and anger. what the hell ARE the stages of grief and why do they keep coming back agian and again?

what was i thinking…%@#

chaote9 — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 10:54:22 +0000

why? why am i working for social welfare? am i trying to be someone i’m not? a hero? i’m no martyr. haven’t been paid for the work i’ve done, and it looks like i’m gonna wait for it some more. the intricacies of bureaucracy. i never wanted to work for the city. never. why am i doing it now? because HE’s dead. and i couldn’t think of anythink else to do.

heal thyself

chaote9 — Mon, 19 Feb 2007 11:49:30 +0000

chaote9 — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 01:01:12 +0000

am i sick? or am i supposed to be this way. i’m at work right now. snuckaway to another office to use their computer. feeling weak. lethargic. everything pointless. not caring about work or even getting paid. still no fear. wrote a resignation letter with blank dates and just awaiting my signature. not really intending to give it anytime soon… or if i ever will. i just have it at my desk.

chaote9 — Sat, 10 Feb 2007 15:13:05 +0000

got dragged to a strip club. had an hour long lapdance. actually feel a little better. odd that.

now i feel guilt for having had a good time. when is it gonna be ok to be happy?

change

chaote9 — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 11:38:37 +0000

got a job. in civil service. like my dad. and his dad before him. never thought i’d end up being there. but…. change. life. need.

what keeps me going is the truth. that everybody dies.

some thoughts on mp3

chaote9 — Mon, 15 Jan 2007 08:52:27 +0000

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10

chaote9 — Wed, 10 Jan 2007 08:57:12 +0000

everyone is starting to get back into their own routines. mine always had him in it. this house is so cold and quiet.

i’m fucked up.

coda

chaote9 — Mon, 08 Jan 2007 16:09:47 +0000

one of the things i promised in front of my father’s coffin was that….

NEVER LET THEM SEE YOU CRY.

heaven

chaote9 — Mon, 08 Jan 2007 16:08:40 +0000

i no longer doubt the afterlife. i know there is one. i’m sure of it. because my dad HAD to go somewhere. and i have no qualms about ending up there. at least i get to see him again.

when i talk to God, i refer to him as ” the god of my father”. i would not disgrace my dad’s memory by denying his existence. only that he doesn’t care what we do here. everyone dies. with no rhyme or reason.

FEAR

chaote9 — Mon, 08 Jan 2007 06:49:52 +0000

i am a man without fear. none. i lost it all.

the end.

chaote9 — Mon, 08 Jan 2007 05:56:41 +0000

still hard to talk about it. maybe one day. spent days telling people what happened. tears kept flowing. i’m kinda in control now. but i am definitely fucked up. it was just the two of us.

im so alone. i being there for my family. but i have no one.

i have learned some things.

everybody dies.